Breathe Again
by delia Lawson
Summary: It is not till you have lost the most important thing in your life, that you realize how much you really needed it.
1. What Kind of Heart Doesn't Look Back

The leaves had turned, framing the gusty city in various hues of reds and oranges. The cool crisp air held with it the promise of fun and fest ivies. Temperance Brennan liked the way it made her feel, the reprieve from her demons. Demons that seemed to haunt her so much more with every passing day, the demon called moving on.

She could see the look on his face in her mind, every time she closed her eyes it was there. The crumpled look of pain that he gave as he exhaled; it haunted her like a vengeful ghost. She had seen it every night in Mulku, every time she laid her head down, every single moment of darkness. It had been weeks before she could sleep, weeks before she was of any use, hiding it under a careful exterior of indifference and jet lag.

Everyday she promised herself that a year was nothing that she would be standing at the coffee cart waiting, her hair would be perfect, her make up fully intact, there would be silence. The comfortable sort, the way it was with him. The same feeling of peace that she had not felt since that awful night outside the FBI building. She knew that things would be different, the scientist inside her accepted it, even welcomed the evolution of their relationship. Yet at the same time she was so curious why it had hit a stalemate. Why there was no where safe to go. It was a precipice that she had been on the verge of for the longest time. When time came to either leap or fall back she took the safety of the familiar. She made the only choice that she could and she would spend everyday for the rest of her life regretting that.

Of course regret could be overcome, with walks and work and long sleepless nights. When she left eight months ago she was falling apart, the only thing that she could feel was how much she wanted to be there for him, how losing herself in him was no longer an issue, She was already gone. She was drowning then, wanting so badly to take her own words back. Knowing that if she asked he would forgive and forget, and wondering why that was all she could see in the next moment. So she fled, trying to find herself in some remote jungle looking for the literal meaning of life.

She never did find it. And so now she took time everyday to walk, around the square, looking at the changing of the leaves and listening to the thousands of reasons why she made the right choice.

"Bones?" She looked up, feeling that velvet voice surround her. She had made her way back to the one place they would always connect, the damned coffee cart.

"Hello, Booth. I thought you were having lunch with Hannah today." Her voice did not waiver, her eyes were like steel. She let no trace of the major inner battle raging inside her effect the outside. This was all for the best. She could have him in her life always this way, just far enough that she could never hurt him, that she could not cause him any irreparable damage.

"I did, she is just over there talking with a source or someone. I'm not really sure, either way I took the opportunity to get myself an afternoon pick me up. Would you like a cup? "He held the small paper cup toward her; just like he had thousands of times before and for a moment nothing had changed. They would be ok, she sensed that.

"Sure, I can get it though. Thank you." She said as she walked towards the young man serving coffee to the line of men and women in suits and trench coats. Today was chillier than yesterday, a trend that seemed to indicate winter was on the way.

When she turned around there was a beautiful blonde woman looking up at Booth, Her child like eyes were glistening with happiness, her smile radiating warmth. She was the perfect replacement to receive what Brennan was too afraid to accept. The only comfort in that was that Booth was happy to bestow it. He wanted to, he needed to. It was the only way for him to move on, to look forward and see the grass is in fact greener on the other side.

At least over there she could not hurt him, could not destroy the love that she had no right to ask for. The love she did not deserve. He should have it all, the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, the great American dream.

"Temperance, it's so good to see you." Hannah was like summer sun, always saying the perfect thing, embracing the closeness between Booth and his partner. She was so understanding, seeming to honestly believe that there was place for both her and Brennan in his life. She was never jealous, and always kind. Hannah was the good woman that he needed, she never pushed him, kept him honest, made him look like a small child on Christmas. She was everything Brennan wished she could be.

"Thank you and you as well. I had an acceptable time the other night, thank you for that." Brennan said, putting on her bravest face.

"Thank you again, I was telling Seeley how nice it was for all of you to offer to help me move. That's the sign of a real friend." Hannah smiled even wider taking Booth's hand.

"I don't get that logic, but I'm sure it was meant as a complement, so you are welcome. I, Um, I have to get back to the lab. It was great to see you again." Brennan nodded warmly, smiling at the couple on the square.

"Yeah, I will stop by the lab later. We can wrap up that paperwork." Booth said, pulling Hannah just a little tighter to him.

"I can take care of it. Have an excellent day." Brennan turned then, needing to flee, wanting to escape the pain.


	2. I'm not the only one facing the Ghost

_"I guess I'm the only one living the life they expected." _

Those words haunted her from the very moment that they left her mouth. They were a reminder of her inability to take risks, her inability to trust someone enough. She would put her life in his capable hands, let him shelter her from the harm that followed them daily, but yet she could not give him the only thing that he had ever asked from her in return. She would not, could not give him herself.

And now as she looked at the glow of her computer screen, she wondered if it had been selfishness or selflessness that night. It played over and over in her mind like a pivotal plot point on the story they were writing. The tale was timeless, two people, who loved each other more than they could comprehend and yet never being able to get it together. Their time came and Brennan watched it leave, like a train that pulled out of the station, she stood on her platform and watched the one thing she never believed in pass her by.

The evidence in front of her, it held nothing of interest. She longed to share it with him, to sit near him and smile at his antics. She craved the small peices of humanity that he restored to her, bit by bit. She missed all of the metaphors that held no scientific basis, and yet were the only way she could see him.

He was the greatest man that she had ever known, surprising her daily, treating her with a gentle delicacy even when she was being unkind. He ignored her ignorance and embraced her knowledge and a year ago he would be right there, in the chair across from her, watching her work, waiting for her brilliance to really sparkle.

There she went again, with those silly metaphors. It seemed like all she could think about anymore was the crushing weight that their new relationship laid on her shoulders. Even though she knew that the feelings were ephemeral and that they were only temporary, they still came. Every morning at eight am she sat in the diner, waiting with her coffee knowing that he was still at home. Knowing that something he loved kept him there. Even if it was temporary, she still felt the gentle stinging. And yet she sipped, and watched and waited.

"Sweetie?" Angela's voice broke the inner pity party that Brennan threw herself on a daily basis. She struggled to put on the mask of happiness that she spent her life viewing the world with. It was the same one she had always used, keeping herself distant and composed. Now though it was cracked allowing in the harsher lights of reality. Even through all the protests, these people, they found their way in.

"Hello Angela." Brennan looked to the doorway where her best friend stood, glowing with the gestation of new life. Married life suited her well.

"Sweetie, why are you still here? We solved the case. Shouldn't you be out with Booth celebrating?" Angela moved with quickness as she made her way to Brennan's desk, the careful draping of her dress, hiding the slight swell of her unborn child.

"He is having dinner with Hannah." The words almost cracked on the way out. No matter, it was pointless to hide things from Angela. Much to Brennan's utter dismay, and certainly not that she would ever admit it, her best friend was always right.

"I see, and you feel left out?" Her gaze, like the hunting watchful eyes of an eagle, sought Brennan.

"No, I was just working. I do not want to leave anything unfinished."

"Tell me."

"What do you want to know?" Brennan looked up surprised, her mind reeling, her longing to share all the feelings that she had felt for so long. She wanted to sob all the time, to got far away and find the meaning of life. Accept, the meaning was not in the remote tropical local, it was right here. Somewhere in the mess she had made of everything was the answer.

"Tell me about Booth."

"I made a mistake." It slipped; it was not supposed to come out. Not like this, not ever.

"That I have known for almost a year. What I am wondering, is if you do." Angela tilted her head, the long dark tresses of her perfect hair reaching her waist. It had been so long since they had a moment like this. The knowledge of her radiating from her best friend, the only person that knew her almost as well as Booth. She had missed having a confidant, missed being able to unload, missed fighting the knowledge that stared her in the face.

"I face that realization every day, and yet I do not know what it is that I am so sorry for. I did the right thing, I did the responsible thing." Brennan looked down for just a moment, unable to meet those probing eyes.

"What are you talking about? You got scared. I knew you would. Bren, it takes you weeks to change the type of coffee you drink. I would have never expected you to respond in a positive light to something so massive so quickly." Angela's head tilted as she took a seat. So many things were wrong; so much was left to sort out.

"He never deserved it. I could never do that to him. I could never give him what he wanted. And yes, perhaps in the beginning he would think that was not an issue. But eventually, eventually he would want everything. I don't believe in marriage, I would never be a conventional partner. Our domestic coupling, it would be holding him down. Perhaps not right away but eventually. And when it did, when I was not able to be the person he wanted, I would lose him forever, and I would have shattered him beyond repair. I could never do that, Angela. He doesn't deserve that." A tear rolled down Brennan's cheek, her voice the same mild squeak it had been that night. That cool spring night outside that had changed everything.

"What you are really saying, and what you have been saying all along, is that you don't deserve him. Sweetie, you never believed that you deserved to feel the way you do, you don't understand it. I have watched you struggle with this for years; I've watched it consume you. You ran to the other end of the earth to get away from it. And it's still there, you still feel it. I don't know what proof you need to make it more real for you. This is not going away, and this is not something that you can get away from. You love him, and regardless of this being a chemical reaction or something so true it flows through your veins, it won't change." Angela reached out, her soft skin connecting with Brennan, the pity in her eyes evident. It was a new emotion, something Brennan had never seen before. Angela felt sorry for her, and it sent something off inside. She did not want pity, did not need it, all she wanted was to feel a fraction of normal. The only problem was that it had been so long ago that she felt anything like it; she had forgotten what it was that she missed. The silence in the room was thick, heady with the scent of denial. Both knew the other, both fighting the outcome.

"You are wrong; you do deserve this, this gift of love. And I can say, with all the clarity in the world, that if you had taken the risk, if you had let things stray just a little off course all your questions would have answers, and everything would make sense." Without waiting for a reply Angela stood and walked towards the door. The truth hung in the silence of the glass office. With a smile she looked back, knowing the everything she said was like a stone and that there was only one left in the palm of her hand. So without further ado she opened her mouth and cast the final blow, "The only person stopping you from being happy, is you. Science and logic have made you the brilliant person you are today, but they do not make you the person you really wanted to become. Perhaps the most important thing you need is the brutal honesty only you can give yourself."

Without pause she left, never looking back at the glow of the office light. There was nothing she could do, the ball was in Bren's court and she truly hoped that Brennan would take it.

_**All Those words came undone, **_

_**And now I'm not the only one**_

_**Facing the ghost that decide if **_

_**The fire inside**_

_**Still burns….**_


End file.
